“Where Are The Women?”

How about women? Haven’t touched on that yet. Yeah, I think I’d much rather write on that than discussing with my therapist what it was like being in jail. Unfortunately, there isn’t much on the women subject to discuss. But a journal of mine where I didn’t write about women at all? Wouldn’t be my journal.

I’m not seeing anyone right now. I got together with a woman at the start of the year, but we broke up over a month ago. There had been another woman I was talking to, but she’s gone silent on me. Not sure why, and I’m not sure how much I care about it. A little disappointed, somewhat annoyed. But twice now I’ve put feelers out and haven’t gotten a response. Maybe some day I’ll hear from her about why.

Which leaves me with basically zero prospects. Okay, that’s fine, I’ve been here before. With school and work, I’m pretty busy. I’ve got zero time for bullshit. Hm. Zero time, zero prospects. That’s a lot of zero. My therapist would probably ask me if I’m feeling less-than because of it. Truthfully? Not really. I’d rather this than be trying to deal with a relationship that wasn’t working.

But it sure would be nice to be in a relationship that worked.

Ah well. I’m changing (I’m always changing). Growing, shifting more towards being who I really am, who I really want to be. And it really is true that I don’t have the time or inclination for any BS. Yours truly, unfiltered, that’s what’s being offered. Actually, I’m a little embarrassed. What’s that about?

Ah. It’s about I do feel less-than because I don’t have a partner. And I feel lonely. As I said to someone recently, I’m going through this amazing, transformative experience in my life and it’s really amazing and it really sucks to not have someone to share it with. Or to share life with, in general.

The therapist and I talked about me having trust issues with women. I won’t argue, because I can see all the flashing neon signs from my past that spell out why. There’s still so much work to do on me. In the meantime, well, I guess it’s just a lot of ‘is what it is’. I’m not seeing someone; if the opportunity comes up I’ll deal with that then.