“Wednesday On The Job”

It’s very tempting to wax philosophical about how dehumanizing my work situation is and how modern day corporatism is just the 21st century version of slavery. But I’m going to try and veer away from that, towards something more like … when am I going to get to be me? That’s much of my thought process as I do the day job, how this is not me and how trying to be this other person is like killing me. It’s like a mask that simply will not fit anymore. Holding it in place takes so much effort. I really hope a third way shows itself soon. I ask for help, pray to God that I will See it when it shows up and have the strength to latch on it, or do whatever it is that’s required of me.

There’s a lot of time spent during the day too of looking forward to the good things that are coming. Tonight I have class; tomorrow I have my therapy appointment and then after work I’m headed on down to Berkeley to see The Goddess for a second date. She & I talked on the phone last night. I feel this sort of silly giddiness when I talk to her. Not sure what that is. Feels very strange. I’d be tempted to say I like this woman—a lot—but that’s… but I’m not really sure what that looks like.

For a long time, I had a seriously broken picker. Women who came into my life that I chose to go out with, it turned all bad so many times. And even the last woman I was with, I was not happy with her. I’m hesitant about starting something new, worried about picking someone unconsciously that will lead us both down a path of pain, and at the same time excited by this new person in my life and more hopeful or maybe it’s more interested than I have been in a woman in a while. And being genuinely attracted to her physically is huge. That’s one that so often seems to be missing for me.

At class tonight we turn in our rough draft for our papers. I’ve got the writing done on mine but the citations aren’t formatted, or the bibliography. Ah well. It’s just a rough draft. I’ll get it back with plenty of notes. Am I happy with it? It’s definitely good enough for a rough draft, but I feel like I haven’t really contributed anything new. Feels like a lot of reporting facts and very thin on the analysis. I’m anxious to see what the professor thinks of it.