“A ‘well, duh!’ Moment With My Sister”

I was talking with my sister the other day. Doing well in school has been such an amazing thing for me and I was telling her about it. Her response was something like ‘well yeah, duh!’ as in of course I was doing well. I asked her if she felt that way about me and academia, how come she never said so before. She was like she thought she had. Anyway, all that really stung to hear and still does. So I’m gonna unpack that a little, as the saying goes.

For starters, I don’t remember her ever telling me that. And that’s something I’m unhappy about when it comes to my family—there’s old stuff that hangs on about them not supporting me. About how I wish I’d had family who told me they believed in me. Like, I’ve worked in office environments most of my life. That’s what my folks did, and what my sister does too. I wish there had been a point where someone in my family had said, “you don’t have to do this; you weren’t made to work in an office; you don’t have to be miserable, pretending to be someone you’re not.”

Of course, my family didn’t know anything about artistic careers and how to make an income doing that. And I have the impression of a lot of fear from my mother about not earning enough to live on. I guess I’m wishing that my mom had been able to say something like, there’s no need to be afraid—you’ll find a way. Or that my sister in listening to me be unhappy with work had encouraged me to go back to school and pursue composition. Or that my dad had been involved lol. I can imagine him saying I could do whatever I wanted to with my life, but I think what I would rather have heard is that I could do music with my life.

I don’t know. Somehow, a lot of this feels like whining. I suppose in the end it’s up to me to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life, career-wise. And it’s up to me to pursue that, regardless of how much or little support I get from my family. I just have this thing that hangs on, a feeling that it may be officially alright for me to pursue my dreams, but in reality it’s something that I shouldn’t do. That I should play it safe instead.

It’s not even about “well, you should try and maybe you’ll succeed” I feel like I wish someone had said, “Well duh, of course you’ll succeed. No question about it.” That kind of unequivocal confidence. Or unconditional love.

If my sister really felt I would be so successful in academics, why hasn’t she said so in all these years? Why now, now that I’m finally doing it and proud of what I’m achieving. It’s almost like her saying that robs me of my achievement. “Oh, you’re succeeding? Well, duh, of course you are.” Ya know? It’s so self-evident that I would, no SHOULD, be totally successful. Like I would be some kind of a total failure if I didn’t wildly succeed.

I’m working hard to do well in school. Having my sister respond to me being proud of myself with a “well duh” made me feel like I’d been robbed of that achievement.