Why do I write here? It's been months since I've journal'd. Who reads this? Well, no one. Not even me. But this is the space I talk to when I haven't anyone to talk to, or feel like the things I need to talk about are things I can't talk to anyone about. Or that they're tired of hearing.
I'm exhausted. I'm so tired. I'm nearly through my first year of grad school and this semester has been really hard. Long, frustrating, emotionally draining. I've written a long art piece. A 12-page paper. Really pushed myself to get all this done. This weekend I mostly wrapped everything. I felt pretty accomplished.
Then I walked into work this morning and all the dread and misery came flooding back. It was awful. I really felt like I'm leading a double life--one where I do this day job, and one where I'm my music self. And this day job me is the one that's the mask, the pretend, the fake. I'm into a job that isn't so terrible, with people I like, but it's still so not me, so far removed from who I really am and want, need, to be that I just get totally depressed from it. And there's a kicker in there too with school having been so hard this semester, it's almost like well fuck I'm miserable at work and miserable at school too! Thank god I'm getting terrible sleep because I don't know how I could stand not being miserable 24 hours a day!
I sarcasm, but there's a kernel of truth in there.
I just hope I start feeling better soon. Maybe this morning was just too rough a shift for me. After being off for a few days and going bonkers with the final push to take care of my schoolwork, going in to work this morning was just a huge shock. And it's not like I'm happy with the day job (or any other day job I've ever done) anyway, that's why I'm doing the school thing. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to move on with this Masters degree into a doctoral program where all I'll be doing is music and I won't have to contend with the day job, just the stress of that. Which won't be easier, if anything it'll be harder. But at least I'll be stressing for something I want to do, instead of something I have to do.
((As a little aside, it feels very strange to write that I 'want' to do music, considering the art music I've been writing for school. But whatever, that's a bitchfest for another day.))
