Thursday, December 12, 2013

“Moyers Quote”

I’ve gone a little silent lately. Today, I read this Bill Moyer’s piece on Salon.com and was so glad for it. There’s one particular quote he uses from a retired Supreme Court justice that really encapsulates my own feelings about society, social justice, things of that nature:

“We do not yet have justice, equal and practical, for the poor, for the members of minority groups, for the criminally accused, for the displaced persons of the technological revolution, for alienated youth, for the urban masses… Ugly inequities continue to mar the face of the nation. We are surely nearer the beginning than the end of the struggle.” --Supreme Court Justice William Brennan.

Here follows the full Moyers piece…

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Thursday, Dec 12, 2013 06:13 AM PST
Bill Moyers: “We are this close to losing our democracy”
The legendary journalist warns about the devastating impact of dark money and voter suppression
Bill Moyers, TomDispatch.com


I met Supreme Court Justice William Brennan in 1987 when I was creating a series for public television called In Search of the Constitution, celebrating the bicentennial of our founding document. By then, he had served on the court longer than any of his colleagues and had written close to 500 majority opinions, many of them addressing fundamental questions of equality, voting rights, school segregation, and — in New York Times v. Sullivan in particular — the defense of a free press.

Those decisions brought a storm of protest from across the country. He claimed that he never took personally the resentment and anger directed at him. He did, however, subsequently reveal that his own mother told him she had always liked his opinions when he was on the New Jersey court, but wondered now that he was on the Supreme Court, “Why can’t you do it the same way?” His answer: “We have to discharge our responsibility to enforce the rights in favor of minorities, whatever the majority reaction may be.”

Although a liberal, he worried about the looming size of government. When he mentioned that modern science might be creating “a Frankenstein,” I asked, “How so?” He looked around his chambers and replied, “The very conversation we’re now having can be overheard. Science has done things that, as I understand it, makes it possible through these drapes and those windows to get something in here that takes down what we’re talking about.”

That was long before the era of cyberspace and the maximum surveillance state that grows topsy-turvy with every administration. How I wish he were here now — and still on the Court!

My interview with him was one of 12 episodes in that series on the Constitution. Another concerned a case he had heard back in 1967. It involved a teacher named Harry Keyishian who had been fired because he would not sign a New York State loyalty oath. Justice Brennan ruled that the loyalty oath and other anti-subversive state statutes of that era violated First Amendment protections of academic freedom.

I tracked Keyishian down and interviewed him. Justice Brennan watched that program and was fascinated to see the actual person behind the name on his decision. The journalist Nat Hentoff, who followed Brennan’s work closely, wrote, “He may have seen hardly any of the litigants before him, but he searched for a sense of them in the cases that reached him.” Watching the interview with Keyishian, he said, “It was the first time I had seen him. Until then, I had no idea that he and the other teachers would have lost everything if the case had gone the other way.”

Toward the end of his tenure, when he was writing an increasing number of dissents on the Rehnquist Court, Brennan was asked if he was getting discouraged. He smiled and said, “Look, pal, we’ve always known — the Framers knew — that liberty is a fragile thing. You can’t give up.” And he didn’t.

The Donor Class and Streams of Dark Money

The historian Plutarch warned us long ago of what happens when there is no brake on the power of great wealth to subvert the electorate. “The abuse of buying and selling votes,” he wrote of Rome, “crept in and money began to play an important part in determining elections. Later on, this process of corruption spread in the law courts and to the army, and finally, when even the sword became enslaved by the power of gold, the republic was subjected to the rule of emperors.”

We don’t have emperors yet, but we do have the Roberts Court that consistently privileges the donor class.

We don’t have emperors yet, but we do have a Senate in which, as a study by the political scientist Larry Bartels reveals, “Senators appear to be considerably more responsive to the opinions of affluent constituents than to the opinions of middle-class constituents, while the opinions of constituents in the bottom third of the income distribution have no apparent statistical effect on their senators’ roll call votes.”

We don’t have emperors yet, but we have a House of Representatives controlled by the far right that is now nourished by streams of “dark money” unleashed thanks to the gift bestowed on the rich by the Supreme Court in the Citizens United case.

We don’t have emperors yet, but one of our two major parties is now dominated by radicals engaged in a crusade of voter suppression aimed at the elderly, the young, minorities, and the poor; while the other party, once the champion of everyday working people, has been so enfeebled by its own collaboration with the donor class that it offers only token resistance to the forces that have demoralized everyday Americans.

Writing in the Guardian recently, the social critic George Monbiot commented, “So I don’t blame people for giving up on politics… When a state-corporate nexus of power has bypassed democracy and made a mockery of the voting process, when an unreformed political system ensures that parties can be bought and sold, when politicians [of the main parties] stand and watch as public services are divvied up by a grubby cabal of privateers, what is left of this system that inspires us to participate?”

Why are record numbers of Americans on food stamps? Because record numbers of Americans are in poverty. Why are people falling through the cracks? Because there are cracks to fall through. It is simply astonishing that in this rich nation more than 21 million Americans are still in need of full-time work, many of them running out of jobless benefits, while our financial class pockets record profits, spends lavishly on campaigns to secure a political order that serves its own interests, and demands that our political class push for further austerity. Meanwhile, roughly 46 million Americans live at or below the poverty line and, with the exception of Romania, no developed country has a higher percent of kids in poverty than we do. Yet a study by scholars at Northwestern University and Vanderbilt finds little support among the wealthiest Americans for policy reforms to reduce income inequality.

Class Prerogatives


Listen! That sound you hear is the shredding of the social contract.

Ten years ago the Economist magazine — no friend of Marxism — warned: “The United States risks calcifying into a European-style class-based society.” And as a recent headline in the Columbia Journalism Review put it: “The line between democracy and a darker social order is thinner than you think.”

We are this close – this close! – to losing our democracy to the mercenary class. So close it’s as if we’re leaning way over the rim of the Grand Canyon waiting for a swift kick in the pants.

When Justice Brennan and I talked privately in his chambers before that interview almost 20 years ago, I asked him how he had come to his liberal sentiments. “It was my neighborhood,” he said. Born to Irish immigrants in 1906, as the harsh indignities of the Gilded Age brought hardship and deprivation to his kinfolk and neighbors, he saw “all kinds of suffering — people had to struggle.” He never forgot those people or their struggles, and he believed it to be our collective responsibility to create a country where they would have a fair chance to a decent life. “If you doubt it,” he said, “read the Preamble [to the Constitution].”

He then asked me how I had come to my philosophy about government (knowing that I had been in both the Kennedy and Johnson administrations). I don’t remember my exact words, but I reminded him that I had been born in the midst of the Great Depression to parents, one of whom had to drop out of school in the fourth grade, the other in the eighth, because they were needed in the fields to pick cotton to help support their families.

Franklin Roosevelt, I recalled, had been president during the first 11 years of my life. My father had listened to his radio “fireside chats” as if they were gospel; my brother went to college on the G.I. Bill; and I had been the beneficiary of public schools, public libraries, public parks, public roads, and two public universities. How could I not think that what had been so good for me would be good for others, too?

That was the essence of what I told Justice Brennan. Now, I wish that I could talk to him again, because I failed to mention perhaps the most important lesson about democracy I ever learned.

On my 16th birthday in 1950, I went to work for the daily newspaper in the small East Texas town where I grew up. It was a racially divided town — about 20,000 people, half of them white, half of them black — a place where you could grow up well-loved, well-taught, and well-churched, and still be unaware of the lives of others merely blocks away. It was nonetheless a good place to be a cub reporter: small enough to navigate but big enough to keep me busy and learning something new every day. I soon had a stroke of luck. Some of the old-timers in the newsroom were on vacation or out sick, and I got assigned to report on what came to be known as the “Housewives’ Rebellion.” Fifteen women in town (all white) decided not to pay the Social Security withholding tax for their domestic workers (all black).

They argued that Social Security was unconstitutional, that imposing it was taxation without representation, and that — here’s my favorite part — “requiring us to collect [the tax] is no different from requiring us to collect the garbage.” They hired themselves a lawyer — none other than Martin Dies, Jr., the former congressman best known, or worst known, for his work as head of the House Committee on Un-American Activities in the witch-hunting days of the 1930s and 1940s. They went to court — and lost. Social Security was constitutional, after all. They held their noses and paid the tax.

The stories I helped report were picked up by the Associated Press and circulated nationwide. One day, the managing editor, Spencer Jones, called me over and pointed to the AP ticker beside his desk. Moving across the wire was a notice citing the reporters on our paper for the reporting we had done on the “rebellion.” I spotted my name and was hooked. In one way or another, after a detour through seminary and then into politics and government, I’ve been covering the class war ever since.

Those women in Marshall, Texas, were among its advance guard. Not bad people, they were regulars at church, their children were my classmates, many of them were active in community affairs, and their husbands were pillars of the business and professional class in town. They were respectable and upstanding citizens all, so it took me a while to figure out what had brought on that spasm of reactionary defiance. It came to me one day, much later: they simply couldn’t see beyond their own prerogatives.

Fiercely loyal to their families, to their clubs, charities, and congregations — fiercely loyal, in other words, to their own kind — they narrowly defined membership in democracy to include only people like themselves. The black women who washed and ironed their laundry, cooked their families’ meals, cleaned their bathrooms, wiped their children’s bottoms, and made their husbands’ beds, these women, too, would grow old and frail, sick and decrepit, lose their husbands and face the ravages of time alone, with nothing to show for their years of labor but the creases on their brows and the knots on their knuckles. There would be nothing for them to live on but the modest return on their toil secured by the collaborative guarantee of a safety net.

The Unfinished Work of America


In one way or another, this is the oldest story in America: the struggle to determine whether “we, the people” is a moral compact embedded in a political contract or merely a charade masquerading as piety and manipulated by the powerful and privileged to sustain their own way of life at the expense of others.

I should make it clear that I don’t harbor any idealized notion of politics and democracy. Remember, I worked for Lyndon Johnson. Nor do I romanticize “the people.” You should read my mail and posts on right-wing websites. I understand the politician in Texas who said of the state legislature, “If you think these guys are bad, you should see their constituents.”

But there is nothing idealized or romantic about the difference between a society whose arrangements roughly serve all its citizens (something otherwise known as social justice) and one whose institutions have been converted into a stupendous fraud. That can be the difference between democracy and plutocracy.

Toward the end of Justice Brennan’s tenure on the Supreme Court, he made a speech that went to the heart of the matter. He said:

“We do not yet have justice, equal and practical, for the poor, for the members of minority groups, for the criminally accused, for the displaced persons of the technological revolution, for alienated youth, for the urban masses… Ugly inequities continue to mar the face of the nation. We are surely nearer the beginning than the end of the struggle.”

And so we are. One hundred and fifty years ago, Abraham Lincoln stood on the blood-soaked battlefield of Gettysburg and called Americans to “the great task remaining.” That “unfinished work,” as he named it, remained the same then as it was when America’s founding generation began it. And it remains the same today: to breathe new life into the promise of the Declaration of Independence and to assure that the Union so many have sacrificed to save is a union worth saving.

Bill Moyers has received 35 Emmy awards, nine Peabody Awards, the National Academy of Television’s Lifetime Achievement Award, and an honorary doctor of fine arts from the American Film Institute over his 40 years in broadcast journalism. He is currently host of the weekly public television series Moyers & Company and president of the Schumann Media Center, a non-profit organization which supports independent journalism. He delivered these remarks (slightly adapted here) at the annual Legacy Awards dinner of the Brennan Center for Justice, a non-partisan public policy institute in New York City that focuses on voting rights, money in politics, equal justice, and other seminal issues of democracy.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

“Early Weekend”

So have I mentioned yet that there are some mornings where my workplace totally smells like weed? I don’t know what the deal is, but some days I come in and the place reeks. Like, I think it’s being pumped through the ventilation system. They say the air system is all new, so it can’t be leftover from when the building was a skating rink. Or can it? Ah, whatever. Anyway, yeah some mornings I come in and the place totally reeks.

Got another date happening tonight. Got no idea how this is going to go, but in the getting to know you back and forth there seems to be a lot in common. It sounds like she might still be married. Actually, no, that’s not it. She definitely IS still married; what it sounds like is that even though she’s living on her own, she hasn’t actually filed for divorce yet. How do I feel about that? Not too happy. So we’ll see how things go.

I’m still hopeful about a movement from my quintet being played next week. Can’t wait to hear the read-through. My presentation is done, I’ll have one more lesson next week and then a class next Wednesday where I get to just show up and listen to the other students give their papers. And then a month and a half break. Nice. I’m thinking seriously adding French in to my class schedule. We’ll see if there’s something that works, time-wise.

I think this entry will post Saturday, but I’m writing it the Friday before. I’m stoked to only have to deal with a half-day at work—I’m heading out early to hear my quintet be read. It’s a great way to end the work week—early lol.

There’s a number of thoughts running through my mind, but I think what I want most is to just sign off and coast the last hour and half of work I’ve got left. Give me my weekend, please!

Friday, December 6, 2013

“Scattered Brain”

I was out for a walk, on break from work, and thought about my upcoming appointment with the therapist, trying to sort out what I want to talk about this week. If I go in with just a busy brain, then I feel like whatever spits out first is what gets worked on. I think talking about the recent depression pangs might be a good idea? Or how about the relationship fears/struggles about not being able to get one going. Or maybe my frustration that everything in my life isn’t perfect LOL. And now I’m feeling some serious resistance to writing about all that, so I think I’ll change subjects.

My paper/presentation went fine. I feel like I wasn’t able to give good answers to the questions I was asked, but it went fine and I got some kudos from my fellow students afterwards. Just one more week and then the semester will be done. Wow. I’m relieved to not have the heavy workload, but while school is going it gives me a lot to look forward to.

A reading of the quintet I wrote this semester has been scheduled, and I’m hopeful that one of the movements will get performed. It feels so obscenely last-minute to make arrangements like this, but my professor had said he should be the one to make the arrangements, so I let him.

My brain is spacing today. Going all over the place. Maybe I’ll do another entry later.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

“Anti-Crowds and/or Homebody”

I don’t like crowds. Like, as a general rule. We had a staff appreciation day at work. Folks from other offices came and joined us, and our 150+ capacity building was suddenly filled to capacity. Way too many people. I had planned on attending, went down, but saw and heard the massive volume of people crowded in, milling around, meeting and greeting and I just could not hang.

There’s a lot of peer pressure in an office to attend things like this, so I’m feeling a bit of something about not going. But I’m also feeling a lot of fuck you about needing to go and it’s like hey, I can not go to these things if I want to! Ugh. See, this is why I don’t fit in in an office culture. Or maybe I’m just one of those who doesn’t go to the group functions. Whatever. Just leave me out of it lol.

Since it’s the big appreciation day and all these other folks are here, we’ve got tons and tons of random people walking around the building. I’ve been introduced to many many folks whose names I will never remember. It just highlights how the setup for my cubicle drives me crazy. Instead of facing the aisle, where I can see and say hello to everyone, I’ve got my back to them and they can see into my workspace and everything I’m doing. I’ve heard a couple folks comment on how nice it looks and I really have to restrain myself and not make a crack about how they wouldn’t think it was so nice if they had to work here, and if they had a bunch of strangers wandering all through your workspace. Bleh. I can’t wait to get out of here today.

* * *

It’s almost an afterthought, but I find myself wishing for something deep and profound and philosophical to write about. Some deep thought to explore or pontificate on. But the truth is that I’m tired and I just want to relax. I’ll go home, grab a quick bite, do the school thing, and then I’ll be free. And I think I do need to do something special for myself, even if special means make a pizza and go shoot pool. That’s special-ish enough.

I remember thinking of treating myself to a weekend down in SoCal as a reward for finishing this semester. I’m pretty sure now that I’m not going to do that. Should I do something else instead? The idea of spending more money—a lot—to go some place by myself, that doesn’t appeal to me very much. Go gambling in Tahoe or Reno? Meh. Maybe I’ll take a day trip down to SF? Or Santa Cruz? It’s strange. I used to have no problem taking off for anywhere all by myself. Now, I’m feeling the need to hunker down for some reason. Or maybe I just don’t want to spend hours driving in my uncomfortable car, or tons of money on a decent hotel room because I don’t want to sleep in an uncomfortable bed.

Or maybe, I really need to go do something by myself just to do it and to have the experience of it. I think I’m a bit afraid of getting some place and being overwhelmed by loneliness. But that could just be something I’m feeling because of what I’m going through right now. Ah, I’ll think on it some more.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

“Family Pains”

Or, more accurately, *no* family pains. As in, pain of not having a family.

I was walking up and down the row of cubicles and looking at various pictures of husbands and kids. At first, I was just noticing the attractive gals in the office and how none of them are single, but then I started realizing how just about everyone is paired up or at least has kids. And the ones who aren’t paired up are the more emotionally unhealthy folks. Which I suppose I still fall into. I mean, hey, I am seeing a therapist every week, and haven’t been able to maintain a healthy romantic relationship like, ever. So why not call a spade a spade? Damn, I just want to cry right now.

Depression is such a perception warper. I am understanding better how things go in my dumb head, though. It’s not that I look around, see all these people paired up with partners, and this of myself as a loser because I don’t have someone in my life. It’s that I think I’m a loser and so I look around for reasons to justify that feeling. When I don’t feel down on myself, these kind of thoughts don’t really occur to me.

Do I want a family? I ask myself this question from time to time. I’m not sure, or I don’t know seems to be the answer. Or maybe, looking at the evidence, it seems that if I do it’s pretty far down on the priority list. I guess what I always wanted was to meet someone, feel that spark of connection, things progress, we fall in love, get married, then after a few years decide it’s time to start having kids. Is that artificial? Romantic? A fairy tale?

I don’t know. And it does hurt a little to think about, because I always come back to some ‘reasonable’ thoughts on how I’m in school and don’t have time for a family right now and how if all goes well I’m going to be in school for some time. Then there are the words I’ve heard more than once about how I ‘still have time.’ Excuse me, but just what the fuck does that mean anyway?

I guess… I guess I’m bitter and scared. Bitter and frustrated because something which seems to be so common, finding a partner and having a family, seems to be a life path shrouded in mystery for me. I can’t even look back on my life and find a ‘should have.’ Except maybe the gal I went out with in my early 20s, after me & my first wife split up. Maybe.

It’s getting harder and harder to trust ‘if it’s meant to happen, it will happen.’ The best I seem to do is to not think about it. I’m dating, I’m meeting people, going out with them, even occasionally having some sex (which, I’m sorry to say is usually pretty shitty). So it’s not like I can sit here and say I’m just moping and not doing anything about the situation. Ah well, whatever.

* * *

I bumped into The Goddess online. I reached out, made an offer to talk about what happened between us. She says she’s interested so we set up a time to talk. I have no idea how that will go, but it felt like the right thing to do. What do I have to say? Not a lot, but I was thinking about it and I might talk about how when she showed up that Friday it was almost like she was a different person. Like, there had been some closeness between us and when we got together for that third date it was like she had closed herself off. Or maybe about how she dumped a lot of emotion on me and that was not fair—especially to someone you’re on just a third date with. Or I don’t know, maybe I’ll just listen.

But just thinking about all this gets me into another mode of thought. Like, how I’ve thought before about work—is it really possible that I’ve always had such shitty luck with jobs? Or is it more likely that the problem is me? Maybe that’s my issue with women, too—it’s not that all women are crazy, or unstable, or whatever, just that I’m the one who… Ah, I don’t know how to finish that sentence. Yes, there is a common thread—me—in all that stuff, but there have been good ones that I’ve let go. The Engineer is probably the best example. But even on that one, I mean, the sex was really unsatisfying (in every sense of the phrase) and I wasn’t happy with her.

But then, I wasn’t happy with a lot of my ex’s. That’s why they’re ex’s! Ah, I’ve gotten myself lost in all this introspection. Summary: damn being alone sucks; man I really miss having good sex; I sure hope I figure out my shit and am able to have a partner some day; having kids would be nice, too.

* * *

Tonight is my night to present my paper in my seminar. I actually don’t feel too much about it one way or the other. The paper is good. It’s not stellar, there’s nothing groundbreaking about it. I wish it was great, that it was the kind of paper my professor was pushing me to publish. Oh well. I’m not too nervous about reading it in front of the class. I’m just looking forward to it being done.

I will say I feel like something of a hack. I mean, I’ve got a couple dozen sources for this paper, but it’s not like I actually read them all all the way through. But the paper holds together, it’s at least mildly interesting. I wish it were longer, but oh well.

Maybe I need a vacation.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

“Boredom”

I’m having a severe ‘I don’t want to be here’ day at work. It’s one of those days where there isn’t tons for me to do and I’ve got zero interest in looking for something to do. I read my political news on the internet, take long strolls, go to the bathroom-sometimes even to just sit in the stall and play games on my phone. It’s a marking of time. It is nice that I’m not getting harassed, but how’s that for lame? It’s a “good day” because I’m not getting harassed? You’re not supposed to get harassed! Oh man, I so don’t belong here.

ANYWAY, since I’m so down in the dumps and feeling such an instinctive-level emotional reaction, let’s try the deconstruction trick that therapy has been training into me. What are the feelings? Boredom. Hatred. Disgust. Revulsion. Although to put them all down like that sounds much more negative than I’m actually feeling. What’s a lighter less nasty word for ‘revulsion’? I don’t know. And what’s the thinking behind all those emotions?

Boredom. Nothing for me to do. I suppose I could find something to do, or ask my boss for something, but I’m pissed off at my boss. We had a thing last week where she really came down on me for doing a whole bunch of things wrong, some of which she didn’t even train me properly on. But there’s also a fuck-you in there too. I feel like I’m not good at my job, and I don’t want to stick my neck out and be reminded of what a fuck-up I am. Or maybe having my boss correct my mistakes makes me feel like a fuck-up. Or maybe no matter what I do, I’ll get criticized for it (or what sounds in my sensitive ears as criticism) and so why bother? Apathy. Boredom. Meh, just leave me alone.

Hatred. This one isn’t that bad. And I don’t necessarily feel like I hate it here or hate this place today. Or that I have better things I could be doing instead of sitting here. What I’d really like is to just be at home all curled up on the couch. Hmm, that’s another withdrawal thing. Two in a row. Maybe the depression still has its grip on me.

Disgust. Yeah, but this one is close enough to the surface that it’s easy for me to get to. I looked up doctoral programs yesterday to see what all would be involved if/when I make it to the next level of schooling. It was pretty intimidating stuff. I mean, I guess it should be, right? Anyway, it brought up all the fears about not being successful in school, and even if I am successful that it still doesn’t guarantee a successful shift to a career in music. And so what does that leave me with but this financial analyst shit that I hate so much and am so afraid I will be stuck in.

Revulsion. Yeah, this is at me. At the fact that I’m here at all instead of doing something that suits, instead of doing music. It’s a harsh anti-me sentiment. And it’s an insidious one because it leads right on to a sentiment of ‘hey, and you’re not even working hard you slacker who doesn’t know anything I mean if you were at least good at the day job that would be something’ *sigh* That self-sabotaging voice. I get so tired of it.

So then what I have here is a negative loop. Okay. And the engine driving it is this last step here, the self-sabotage. What’s the hidden meaning behind all this? What’s the thinking behind this self sabotage? Feels like… worthlessness. Sad. Alone. But is that what it is, or is it just the seasonal depression crap? Or is all of this just an interesting intellectual exercise? Ah, whatever. I just want to go home and camp out on the couch. Too bad.

Monday, December 2, 2013

“Winter Depression”

I’ve been suffering through some really fierce depression lately. My best guess is it’s just the seasonal thing that happens, the change to winter, less sun, etc. It also probably has something to do with the holidays. There’s no time of year that reminds us single people we’re without a partner than the holidays. But it’s not just the pain of not having a partner, it’s at having so few others in my life in general.

Earlier this year, when I was going out with The Actress, I made a split from my 12-step meetings that had been a long time coming. I almost never go to meetings any more. Once in a blue moon maybe. Abut when I was going to meetings… I got some interaction with other people. It was hard and painful, the memories of friendships gone bad, and of course the rambling insanity of so many people in the groups. But it got me around other people at least. It’s too bad the trade-off became too much. What I did gain was outweighed by having to deal with the crap.

Thinking about that has got me thinking about something else, too. I remember my guy friends from there saying how I cared too much. I heard that more than once. I’ve written about this before, and I feel like many times. But what the hell is wrong with caring so much?! And as a slight addendum here, how am I supposed to *stop* doing that? Brings up all kinds of stuff about being weak, that I’m a weakling or a pussy or whatever for being sensitive and all that crap from being a kid.

Anyway, so as the winter has set in with the shorter days and the darkness, I’m really noticing how few other people I have in my life. It’s been pretty hard, painful. And there’s been a mindfulness there, too, which is interesting. It’s almost like I can see the pain happening, as if it were happening to someone else. I see it, feel it, and at the same time am thinking about it on a different level just recognizing how sharp it is, how painful it is.

The emotions are there--loneliness, thinking no one will ever love, me, all that—but there’s also a presence of mind that it will pass, that it isn’t as bad as the emotions say they are. It’s tough to describe. And being clinical about it does nothing to convey the deep sharp pain of feeling it. Having that detached voice in my head is helpful, sure, but what I’d much rather have is friends in my life and a family or at least a partner.

A couple things to throw in before I forget. I started talking with the therapist about sex stuff. Not sure how much I’ll include of that here. Old issues that I’ve worked with other therapists on that I’ve never gotten anywhere with. And now I forget what the other thing was that I was going to jot down. Dammit. Oh well. Hopefully it will come back to me. Maybe it’s just the thought/pain of having so few friends, and those I do have inevitably become not friends. It’s enough to make me wonder from time to time if I have borderline personality disorder. I think not, though. I think (as I pretty much always have) that I’m just different. Sensitive, smart, passionate, caring, all that stuff that guys aren’t supposed to be. Yep, still me over here caring too much. Oh well, what are you gonna do right? It’s not like I can decide tomorrow that I’m going to be someone I’m not.

UPDATE: ah-ha, I remembered the other thing. My weight is back up. It’s got me *really* upset, and I’m sure it doesn’t help at all with my depression. Feels like no matter what I do, I’m stuck at this higher weight. It’s got me thinking more and more about picking smoking back up, though considering how hard I worked to quite I am almost certain I won’t do that. Besides, what if I start smoking again and then DON’T lose the weight? What then? Then I’ll be fat AND a smoker. Ugh. Anyway, all attempts at humor aside, this is really upsetting to me.