I was walking up and down the row of cubicles and looking at various pictures of husbands and kids. At first, I was just noticing the attractive gals in the office and how none of them are single, but then I started realizing how just about everyone is paired up or at least has kids. And the ones who aren’t paired up are the more emotionally unhealthy folks. Which I suppose I still fall into. I mean, hey, I am seeing a therapist every week, and haven’t been able to maintain a healthy romantic relationship like, ever. So why not call a spade a spade? Damn, I just want to cry right now.
Depression is such a perception warper. I am understanding better how things go in my dumb head, though. It’s not that I look around, see all these people paired up with partners, and this of myself as a loser because I don’t have someone in my life. It’s that I think I’m a loser and so I look around for reasons to justify that feeling. When I don’t feel down on myself, these kind of thoughts don’t really occur to me.
Do I want a family? I ask myself this question from time to time. I’m not sure, or I don’t know seems to be the answer. Or maybe, looking at the evidence, it seems that if I do it’s pretty far down on the priority list. I guess what I always wanted was to meet someone, feel that spark of connection, things progress, we fall in love, get married, then after a few years decide it’s time to start having kids. Is that artificial? Romantic? A fairy tale?
I don’t know. And it does hurt a little to think about, because I always come back to some ‘reasonable’ thoughts on how I’m in school and don’t have time for a family right now and how if all goes well I’m going to be in school for some time. Then there are the words I’ve heard more than once about how I ‘still have time.’ Excuse me, but just what the fuck does that mean anyway?
I guess… I guess I’m bitter and scared. Bitter and frustrated because something which seems to be so common, finding a partner and having a family, seems to be a life path shrouded in mystery for me. I can’t even look back on my life and find a ‘should have.’ Except maybe the gal I went out with in my early 20s, after me & my first wife split up. Maybe.
It’s getting harder and harder to trust ‘if it’s meant to happen, it will happen.’ The best I seem to do is to not think about it. I’m dating, I’m meeting people, going out with them, even occasionally having some sex (which, I’m sorry to say is usually pretty shitty). So it’s not like I can sit here and say I’m just moping and not doing anything about the situation. Ah well, whatever.
* * *
I bumped into The Goddess online. I reached out, made an offer to talk about what happened between us. She says she’s interested so we set up a time to talk. I have no idea how that will go, but it felt like the right thing to do. What do I have to say? Not a lot, but I was thinking about it and I might talk about how when she showed up that Friday it was almost like she was a different person. Like, there had been some closeness between us and when we got together for that third date it was like she had closed herself off. Or maybe about how she dumped a lot of emotion on me and that was not fair—especially to someone you’re on just a third date with. Or I don’t know, maybe I’ll just listen.
But just thinking about all this gets me into another mode of thought. Like, how I’ve thought before about work—is it really possible that I’ve always had such shitty luck with jobs? Or is it more likely that the problem is me? Maybe that’s my issue with women, too—it’s not that all women are crazy, or unstable, or whatever, just that I’m the one who… Ah, I don’t know how to finish that sentence. Yes, there is a common thread—me—in all that stuff, but there have been good ones that I’ve let go. The Engineer is probably the best example. But even on that one, I mean, the sex was really unsatisfying (in every sense of the phrase) and I wasn’t happy with her.
But then, I wasn’t happy with a lot of my ex’s. That’s why they’re ex’s! Ah, I’ve gotten myself lost in all this introspection. Summary: damn being alone sucks; man I really miss having good sex; I sure hope I figure out my shit and am able to have a partner some day; having kids would be nice, too.
* * *
Tonight is my night to present my paper in my seminar. I actually don’t feel too much about it one way or the other. The paper is good. It’s not stellar, there’s nothing groundbreaking about it. I wish it was great, that it was the kind of paper my professor was pushing me to publish. Oh well. I’m not too nervous about reading it in front of the class. I’m just looking forward to it being done.
I will say I feel like something of a hack. I mean, I’ve got a couple dozen sources for this paper, but it’s not like I actually read them all all the way through. But the paper holds together, it’s at least mildly interesting. I wish it were longer, but oh well.
Maybe I need a vacation.
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