“Anti-Crowds and/or Homebody”

I don’t like crowds. Like, as a general rule. We had a staff appreciation day at work. Folks from other offices came and joined us, and our 150+ capacity building was suddenly filled to capacity. Way too many people. I had planned on attending, went down, but saw and heard the massive volume of people crowded in, milling around, meeting and greeting and I just could not hang.

There’s a lot of peer pressure in an office to attend things like this, so I’m feeling a bit of something about not going. But I’m also feeling a lot of fuck you about needing to go and it’s like hey, I can not go to these things if I want to! Ugh. See, this is why I don’t fit in in an office culture. Or maybe I’m just one of those who doesn’t go to the group functions. Whatever. Just leave me out of it lol.

Since it’s the big appreciation day and all these other folks are here, we’ve got tons and tons of random people walking around the building. I’ve been introduced to many many folks whose names I will never remember. It just highlights how the setup for my cubicle drives me crazy. Instead of facing the aisle, where I can see and say hello to everyone, I’ve got my back to them and they can see into my workspace and everything I’m doing. I’ve heard a couple folks comment on how nice it looks and I really have to restrain myself and not make a crack about how they wouldn’t think it was so nice if they had to work here, and if they had a bunch of strangers wandering all through your workspace. Bleh. I can’t wait to get out of here today.

* * *

It’s almost an afterthought, but I find myself wishing for something deep and profound and philosophical to write about. Some deep thought to explore or pontificate on. But the truth is that I’m tired and I just want to relax. I’ll go home, grab a quick bite, do the school thing, and then I’ll be free. And I think I do need to do something special for myself, even if special means make a pizza and go shoot pool. That’s special-ish enough.

I remember thinking of treating myself to a weekend down in SoCal as a reward for finishing this semester. I’m pretty sure now that I’m not going to do that. Should I do something else instead? The idea of spending more money—a lot—to go some place by myself, that doesn’t appeal to me very much. Go gambling in Tahoe or Reno? Meh. Maybe I’ll take a day trip down to SF? Or Santa Cruz? It’s strange. I used to have no problem taking off for anywhere all by myself. Now, I’m feeling the need to hunker down for some reason. Or maybe I just don’t want to spend hours driving in my uncomfortable car, or tons of money on a decent hotel room because I don’t want to sleep in an uncomfortable bed.

Or maybe, I really need to go do something by myself just to do it and to have the experience of it. I think I’m a bit afraid of getting some place and being overwhelmed by loneliness. But that could just be something I’m feeling because of what I’m going through right now. Ah, I’ll think on it some more.