“Boredom”

I’m having a severe ‘I don’t want to be here’ day at work. It’s one of those days where there isn’t tons for me to do and I’ve got zero interest in looking for something to do. I read my political news on the internet, take long strolls, go to the bathroom-sometimes even to just sit in the stall and play games on my phone. It’s a marking of time. It is nice that I’m not getting harassed, but how’s that for lame? It’s a “good day” because I’m not getting harassed? You’re not supposed to get harassed! Oh man, I so don’t belong here.

ANYWAY, since I’m so down in the dumps and feeling such an instinctive-level emotional reaction, let’s try the deconstruction trick that therapy has been training into me. What are the feelings? Boredom. Hatred. Disgust. Revulsion. Although to put them all down like that sounds much more negative than I’m actually feeling. What’s a lighter less nasty word for ‘revulsion’? I don’t know. And what’s the thinking behind all those emotions?

Boredom. Nothing for me to do. I suppose I could find something to do, or ask my boss for something, but I’m pissed off at my boss. We had a thing last week where she really came down on me for doing a whole bunch of things wrong, some of which she didn’t even train me properly on. But there’s also a fuck-you in there too. I feel like I’m not good at my job, and I don’t want to stick my neck out and be reminded of what a fuck-up I am. Or maybe having my boss correct my mistakes makes me feel like a fuck-up. Or maybe no matter what I do, I’ll get criticized for it (or what sounds in my sensitive ears as criticism) and so why bother? Apathy. Boredom. Meh, just leave me alone.

Hatred. This one isn’t that bad. And I don’t necessarily feel like I hate it here or hate this place today. Or that I have better things I could be doing instead of sitting here. What I’d really like is to just be at home all curled up on the couch. Hmm, that’s another withdrawal thing. Two in a row. Maybe the depression still has its grip on me.

Disgust. Yeah, but this one is close enough to the surface that it’s easy for me to get to. I looked up doctoral programs yesterday to see what all would be involved if/when I make it to the next level of schooling. It was pretty intimidating stuff. I mean, I guess it should be, right? Anyway, it brought up all the fears about not being successful in school, and even if I am successful that it still doesn’t guarantee a successful shift to a career in music. And so what does that leave me with but this financial analyst shit that I hate so much and am so afraid I will be stuck in.

Revulsion. Yeah, this is at me. At the fact that I’m here at all instead of doing something that suits, instead of doing music. It’s a harsh anti-me sentiment. And it’s an insidious one because it leads right on to a sentiment of ‘hey, and you’re not even working hard you slacker who doesn’t know anything I mean if you were at least good at the day job that would be something’ *sigh* That self-sabotaging voice. I get so tired of it.

So then what I have here is a negative loop. Okay. And the engine driving it is this last step here, the self-sabotage. What’s the hidden meaning behind all this? What’s the thinking behind this self sabotage? Feels like… worthlessness. Sad. Alone. But is that what it is, or is it just the seasonal depression crap? Or is all of this just an interesting intellectual exercise? Ah, whatever. I just want to go home and camp out on the couch. Too bad.