Why do I write here? It's been months since I've journal'd. Who reads this? Well, no one. Not even me. But this is the space I talk to when I haven't anyone to talk to, or feel like the things I need to talk about are things I can't talk to anyone about. Or that they're tired of hearing.
I'm exhausted. I'm so tired. I'm nearly through my first year of grad school and this semester has been really hard. Long, frustrating, emotionally draining. I've written a long art piece. A 12-page paper. Really pushed myself to get all this done. This weekend I mostly wrapped everything. I felt pretty accomplished.
Then I walked into work this morning and all the dread and misery came flooding back. It was awful. I really felt like I'm leading a double life--one where I do this day job, and one where I'm my music self. And this day job me is the one that's the mask, the pretend, the fake. I'm into a job that isn't so terrible, with people I like, but it's still so not me, so far removed from who I really am and want, need, to be that I just get totally depressed from it. And there's a kicker in there too with school having been so hard this semester, it's almost like well fuck I'm miserable at work and miserable at school too! Thank god I'm getting terrible sleep because I don't know how I could stand not being miserable 24 hours a day!
I sarcasm, but there's a kernel of truth in there.
I just hope I start feeling better soon. Maybe this morning was just too rough a shift for me. After being off for a few days and going bonkers with the final push to take care of my schoolwork, going in to work this morning was just a huge shock. And it's not like I'm happy with the day job (or any other day job I've ever done) anyway, that's why I'm doing the school thing. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to move on with this Masters degree into a doctoral program where all I'll be doing is music and I won't have to contend with the day job, just the stress of that. Which won't be easier, if anything it'll be harder. But at least I'll be stressing for something I want to do, instead of something I have to do.
((As a little aside, it feels very strange to write that I 'want' to do music, considering the art music I've been writing for school. But whatever, that's a bitchfest for another day.))
Monday, May 12, 2014
Thursday, January 9, 2014
January update
Looks like I’m not out of the woods yet when it comes to journaling. Sometimes I wonder. It’s like it comes and goes. I really feel the need, then I totally don’t for a while. Ah well, I’m writing now so how about that. Once again, it stems from the need to blow off steam about work.
My job isn’t stressful, and there isn’t a lot of work to do. I’m also not doing a lot of work. Maybe I could seek work out, but I really just don’t want to. What for? So I can get more work heaped on me? Or worse, give away the fact that I’m not really doing anything? I just had a chat with myself. The ol’ voice of “you’re just lazy; you really don’t want to work” and today I was just “actually, I do want to work, I just don’t want to do THIS work”. Cause this work feels like silly busy work bullshit to me. Then I flashed on being in the GATE program when I was a kid and the teachers who thought that being gifted (re: smart, talented, etc.) meant giving more homework. Ugh.
Things are going well with Red. Very well. I suppose I could do a big long write up about it, but I’d rather not. It feels… what she & I have is for us. And even here in this anonymous space, I don’t really feel like writing the details. That’s between me and her, ya know? But things are really awesome. I’m hopeful that this is going to last a really long time.
I submitted a revised version of my research paper to the CSUS student journal. Looks like it’s just an online journal, they don’t actually print, but that’s alright. If I’m accepted, it will still be something to put on the resume where I had nothing there before. It would be a very minor publication, but a publication all the same.
Ugh. It’s not even noon on Thursday yet. I want so badly to be out of here. All things in their time.
My job isn’t stressful, and there isn’t a lot of work to do. I’m also not doing a lot of work. Maybe I could seek work out, but I really just don’t want to. What for? So I can get more work heaped on me? Or worse, give away the fact that I’m not really doing anything? I just had a chat with myself. The ol’ voice of “you’re just lazy; you really don’t want to work” and today I was just “actually, I do want to work, I just don’t want to do THIS work”. Cause this work feels like silly busy work bullshit to me. Then I flashed on being in the GATE program when I was a kid and the teachers who thought that being gifted (re: smart, talented, etc.) meant giving more homework. Ugh.
Things are going well with Red. Very well. I suppose I could do a big long write up about it, but I’d rather not. It feels… what she & I have is for us. And even here in this anonymous space, I don’t really feel like writing the details. That’s between me and her, ya know? But things are really awesome. I’m hopeful that this is going to last a really long time.
I submitted a revised version of my research paper to the CSUS student journal. Looks like it’s just an online journal, they don’t actually print, but that’s alright. If I’m accepted, it will still be something to put on the resume where I had nothing there before. It would be a very minor publication, but a publication all the same.
Ugh. It’s not even noon on Thursday yet. I want so badly to be out of here. All things in their time.
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