“Doing Well In School”

This week at school has been a sort of check in week with my professors. Both of whom have given me really good feedback, say I’m doing well. That feels god, for sure, but I also don’t trust it.

For so many years growing up, I had my mom giving me praise. A lot of times it was in response to me getting bullied. And there’s also a bit of how this is just want moms do—like, all moms think their kids are the best and the brightest. There have also been issues with bosses, where I was praised not so much on a personal level but as more of a manipulation to make me do more, not so much more work for less money, though there has been some of that, but more like I don’t know, manipulation, dishonest, like it was them praising me it was them placating me. I’m not sure I’m making sense. Anyway…

For a long time too I had difficulty in receiving compliments. I’ve learned to not respond with false modesty. And I can take praise much better than I used to be able to, but still it’s difficult. Especially when it comes to something I care so much about. It’s so important to me to do well in school, and I very clearly am, but there’s still this element I feel about my professors shining me on. I know it’s not real, or logical, and that it’s just my head fucking with me, but it’s still there.

But you know, all analysis aside, there’s a simpler way to describe how I feel about my professors giving me their approval, and it feels like the old adage of ‘Too good to be true’. I’ve got so much of my hopes invested in this shift in my life. I’ve got all the fears about failure, not being good enough, not being capable, etc., and to hear them say ‘yup, doin good/great/etc’ just leaves me feeling like ‘really? Are you sure??”

I was joking with The Goddess last night about how more than feeling good about my success, what I most feel is relief. There’s a lot of baggage attached still to my feeling good about doing well at something I love and want for myself, but I can feel relieved about succeeding better than I imagined I would or could.

We’ll get to feeling good, though. Maybe even soon :)