“So Much To Write About”

Well here we are, Tuesday morning (after a Monday holiday) at work and I am of course so pissed off. I’m praying a lot, asking for help, asking for willingness to see another way. No answers yet. The network here isn’t working so I can’t actually do any actual work. Just as well. I don’t want to do any actual work anyway. So much negativity. God help me find a way to deal with it or change or something. God give me what I need, whatever it is.

I had a date on Sunday. She’s cute. Short, sweet, very hippie dippie. She lives down in Oakland, so we met in Fairfield, halfway between there and Sac. We had a good Thai lunch, all very get to know you, but I like her. At one point I found myself just grinning because I do. We made out a little before leaving. Felt intense. I hope it wasn’t the bad kind of intensity. Feelings can be tough to describe. I really liked holding her there in my arms. There’s still a lot of getting-to-know-you to be done, and I’m not sure how much we have in common, but I do want to see her again.

My piece “Either/Or” was performed last Friday on the Student Composer’s concert. The players did a really good job, I’m so pleased. It was great to hear my music being played again, and even better to see it be well-received. The conductor gave me a little approving nod, and the audience liked it a lot. I was told that the judges reacted well to it also. I would really like to win the competition. There is a monetary prize, which would be nice, but I’m more interested in being able to list it on my resume.

I’ve got a rough draft for my big paper for my seminar due Wednesday. Writing this has been a long haul, and I feel like I should have more written for all the work I’ve done on it. I guess the length isn’t as important as whether it’s good. I don’t know if it’s good enough to get published, but I think it’s a pretty good paper for just the class. I wrote it in its separate sections and this weekend put the whole thing together for the first time. Over 20 sources, pushing 60 citations. But the actual length of it seems shorter to me than I would expect for all that. Oh well, that’s what the rough draft is for. I’ll get it back with notes from the professor, and have a private meeting with her on ways to improve it. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself, thinking I should be writing a paper for publication. Anyway, reading through it all the way through for the first time, I’m actually pretty pleased. It’s got some good places in it, and I think it’s a good read. I’m really curious to see my professor’s thoughts.

Back to the work thing. I try to remind myself of why I do this—so I don’t have to stress over money. That’s a big deal. But being here is painful. But there’s something else I worry about, too. I worry that not being at work, I would still hurt and be in pain and have fits of depression and sadness and anger. I don’t know. Maybe it’s something I can talk more to my therapist about. Geez, am I ever glad to have those appointments. It’s only one hour a week, but it feels like an eternity between those sessions. I really don’t know what I’d do without them.