“‘Either/Or’ Performance”

The Festival of New American Music is going on at school right now—big deal, lots of concerts, master classes, etc. The student composer’s concert is this afternoon and I’m very excited—one of my pieces is being performed. It’s Either/Or, the piece I wrote for when I applied to grad school. For Clarinet, Bassoon, and Violin.

I met with the players last night, listened to them go through the piece. It sounds good. The fact it’s being performed at all is amazing to me. I hadn’t ever really expected or intended that, it was just the piece I wrote so that I would have something current to go in my portfolio when I applied to grad school. But sitting down with the players at a rehearsal last night was awesome. (The bassoon player is really hot, which was almost a problem for me; well, not a problem, so much as a distraction. And I’m definitely still thinking about it).

I’m really proud of myself for this (with even more gratitude to the players). And I have a lot of gratitude for the fact of it happening. The universe/fate/reality is allowing this, responding to my attempts/requests.

Last night I hung out with my old friend the Priestess. It had been way too long since we’d seen each other. She’s been really supportive of the music making career change. I was talking to her about how good it feels to be back in school, how that’s going well, and how the going well of it is making work more difficult. She talked about how I’m swimming upstream right now and that in time I’ll be into the new career/life path full bore and once that happens I’ll be doing the backstroke.

Imagine that—not having to fight anymore. Having all my emotional and psychic energy available to me, to use when I want to and not because I have to maintain some false persona. Well and the work thing isn’t even so much a false persona as it is an incorrect life. Ack, well, as I have written before and will undoubtedly write again, I don’t belong in this work under the fluorescents cubicle lifestyle.

The Priestess talks about it as me pretending to be normal when I so am not. And she’s totally right. Pushing back against this idea of living the ‘office’ work life, that that’s why I have to do or the only thing I’m good for or worthy of, has been a challenge. But it’s one I’m meeting. Succeeding. Having this piece performed today is just one of many manifestations of it.

I plan to get cards for each of the players as thank you’s. That’s just good business, but I also really mean it, and I told them last night.

That bassoon player is really hot. She’s probably like fifteen years younger than me. Ouch. Oh well, how about that :) I can still appreciate how good she looks without taking any action. Feelings are just that—feelings. That’s good old program right there—feelings, no matter how strong, won’t kill you, and they don’t mean you have to take action.