Had the therapy session for the week. Talked a lot about my struggles with work. She helped me figure out some patterns, see some connections. We’re really sketching out a good image of me, where I’ve been, what I’ve been through. It’s hard for me to fully grip my shitty childhood. I keep wanting to fall back into things like but I wasn’t beat by my parents or molested or anything like that (that I can recall). What I was, was let down. A lot. No one showed me healthy ways of dealing with emotions, or with life. When I was hurting, I wasn’t helped. I was more or less left dangling out there to try and deal with the world by the skin of my teeth, no knowledge, no nothing. Abandonment. Damn, I hate looking at that, using that word. Gonna have to talk with her more about it.
One thing she hit on just at the end of my appointment that we should talk more about too. She said that I’ve had a lot of disappointment with authority figures. I sorta jumped the gun on that a bit, going to me having a problem with authority figures—which to a certain extent I have. But who are the ones I’ve had a problem with? The ones who have let me down. And all that has tendrils going back to my folks.
If my boss says she’s gonna support me in something, then doesn’t. Or is just a straight up bad manager, that’s gonna hurt make me angry, etc. If my professor comes down on me even though it’s just cause he had a bad day or even if he has a legitimate point, that’s all gonna hurt more. Because I’m feeling it with the weight of all the times it’s happened before in the past, going all the way back to my folks.
So I think that’s a note to myself for next week to talk some more about those two things: authority figures & abandonment.
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