I have a day job. Which is to say, I have a job that I go to Monday through Friday from 8 to 5 because I need money. It drives me crazy. Most people’s jobs drive them crazy. Most people hate their work, and their boss, and have completely disengaged at this place they spend roughly a third of their day at. But I don’t like to remember that. If I remember that everyone hates their job, then I tell myself that there’s nothing special about me, that I have to keep on doing this thing that I hate, that I have no choice and to stop whining because everyone’s in the same boat.
About a year and a half ago, I took a class offered through my work. It was one of those career advisement types of things. I was really miserable in my previous position, was thinking about making a career change, and thought the class would help. It did, but not quite in the way I expected. Before the class, all us participants went through a personality assessment and a strong-interest inventory to see what kind of people we were and what our favorite jobs might be. When I got to the class and told the instructors my personality choice and what I do for a living, they chuckled and said, “no seriously, what do you do?” And when I told them that’s what I really do, well, they realized I really was serious and they sort of blanched. Then I got some good career counseling afterwards.
As long as I can remember, I’ve been unhappy in my jobs. There were always reasons, sometimes the place was corrupt, or it was my coworkers, sometimes the boss, or some combination of the three. But when I signed up for that class, I had already begun to suspect that my unhappiness was more than just because of the environment. The common thread in all those bad situations was me. It may be that I worked with and for horrible people in horrible situations, but there was a much more basic issue at play: me and my choices. Taking that career advisement class, seeing how unsuited my personality is for the jobs I've spent my life doing, was a huge eye opener.
It’s still hard for me to get a grip on this idea that I don’t belong in the type of job I’m in. I don’t belong in an office environment. It’s one of the things that my personality is the least suited towards. This difficulty I have, it’s not because I have a hard time accepting how miserable I am working these day jobs, it’s hard because part of my basic in-the-brain programming is that this day job crap is something I have to do. Like breathing. It’s not optional.
This is another area where the work I’m doing with the therapist has been helpful too. I used to think that I worked a day job because I’d been taught that this is how you’re supposed to live life: you get a job that pays you well enough that you don’t have to stress too much over money, or at the very least allows you to provide for yourself. But! What if that’s not why I do this, what if that’s not what has kept me under the fluorescents all these years? What if the reason I fell into this rut of a life choice is nothing more simple than it also was what was modeled for me? Maybe the reason I have such a hard time setting boundaries on a job or a type of work that I’m miserable at is because I watched my own parents (and my dad in particular) be miserable at their jobs. God, I remember dad having migraines from trying to deal with his work. So of course I’m miserable, that’s what work is—it’s what you do every day that makes you miserable because you have to. Period.
A couple months ago I also made a huge change in my life. I started attending a graduate program at my local university. I’ve gone back to school for what I love most—writing music. My bachelor’s degree was in music composition, and if I’m successful at this program then my master’s degree will be, too. I’m making the change. It will take a while, years, but so far the early indications are that this is something I’m really good at. Not just composing, but the academic part as well. And that’s shocked the hell out of me. In a good way. It’s hard, it takes a lot of work, but I’m doing well and that is amazing to me. There are even moments where I let myself feel good about it. (Yes, I mean that seriously.)
I’m still working the day job. My current boss is a control freak, pushy, breath down your neck just a little too often type. But she’s better than the coward I used to work for, and my coworkers here aren’t too bad. Basically, this current job is tolerable. It pays well enough, and I’ve learned to handle my finances well which is something I’m very proud of. All of that doesn’t stop me from thinking about quitting from time to time, but I sincerely hope that I can just do this during the day while working on the switch to a different kind of life. A life where I’m free to be who I really am. ‘Cause this work in a cubicle bullshit makes the true me inside just sob.
No comments:
Post a Comment