So here’s this: I used to be a drug addict. Now, as someone who’s been through the 12 step program, gone to many meetings, held many service positions, and worked the 12 steps many times, saying it like that—that I “used” to be an addict—is a major faux pas. We’re indoctrinated pretty heavily in the idea that once we are addicted, we are always addicted; there is no cure for The Disease. And I admit, I parroted this line as well.
These days, I have a much more relaxed view towards it. I know that the potential for falling back into addiction is within me, but I’ve learned to watch for signs and most importantly that if I take good care of myself and keep a strong spiritual center, I will be alright. Besides, I definitely WAS an addict. That part of my life happened. It can’t be undone, so in that sense, yes I will always be an addict. Am I currently suffering from addiction? Definitely not.
Something my therapist and I stumbled onto early on was how I don’t really have much pride in the fact I’d gotten myself off of substances. I think I mentioned something at the time about how it was the power of the group, or God, things like that which had allowed me to get cleaned up. But she had a really valid point—climbing up out of an addiction, be it to alcohol, drugs, or anything else—is an amazing achievement. Why aren’t I proud of that?
Part of the reason probably lies in how I’m generally not proud of my achievements. That’s something that stems from parents who didn’t display pride in their achievements, and from my own childhood struggles where achieving wasn’t rewarded, was in fact punished by my peers. There’s nothing bullies love more than taunting the top student in class. But there’s another reason, one that I think is much more important, and that I didn’t even realize existed until just recently.
As I walked away from the orchestra concert, I had a really odd moment that really surprised me. I felt a shift inside myself. For the first time, I felt like I truly accepted that I had become a drug addict. It’s the weirdest thing. I mean, I’ve been through the steps many times, and the first part of working 12-steps is acceptance of how you’ve become an addict. Which I did do. So the acceptance I’m talking about is deeper than that.
Maybe it isn’t acceptance so much that I felt the other night, but compassion and forgiveness for myself. It’s almost like I had finally fully integrated the fact that becoming an addict had been a part of my life, and accepting myself and having compassion for myself, and forgiveness, was a part of the whole deal. The compassion especially. Because even though I had intellectually understood the reasons why I had gone down that path, I really believe that it wasn’t until the other night that I was okay with who I had been.
Self-acceptance. I gotta credit the therapy on this one. I’m not sure how it’s related, except only that I’m more clearly able to see what life had been like for me and have compassion for myself for what I’ve been through. I have joked in the past about how, with what I’d been through in life, is it any wonder that I became an addict? But for the first time I really feel that myself with a genuine acceptance and compassion for myself.
You know what? It’s almost like I’ve stopped judging and blaming myself for it. I’ve stopped being so hard on myself about it. It's a relief.
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