“Get Over Yourself”

So I’m still thinking about this ‘get over yourself’ bit. Grr. But before that, a more general check in ...

I’ve not been getting a lot of sleep lately. I think I see why it’s important to do your college schooling when you’re young—the body just doesn’t handle lots of late nights nearly as well as it gets older. Thank god I’m not partying anymore. That would really be too much.

I had another fairly vivid dream last night. I don’t remember too much about it, just that it was about my most recent ex-girlfriend. I think she was over at my apartment for some reason. We were reconciling, or we reconciled while she was there. But then I went into the bathroom and the toilet and the sink was covered with all her stuff just like from when we were together and she’d stay over.

My brain has been pretty cranky lately with the imaginary conversations. My current boss, my former boss, my school professor, etc. I’m better about noticing that it’s happening, and the shutting it down is going a little different these days. Instead of feeling at the mercy of a mind that’s out of my control, there’s more disgust there, and also less attachment to it. So where as before when it would happen, it could be really overwhelming and I’d be just praying for it to stop and go away, counseling myself to stop hurting myself; now it’s like when it happens its nastier, but it doesn’t have as much power I think? Or at least I’m not as emotionally invested in it. Which seems like a contradiction. These things are tough to describe.

I really, really, really want to just go home and hole up in the studio. Finish dad’s project. Go have a relaxing coffee at my favorite coffee shop. Maybe write on my research paper a little.

And another random cool note: it’s been over a year since I quit smoking cigarettes. In just a couple weeks it will be one year completely nicotine free. Amazing shit. Still. Yeah, I still think about lighting up from time to time, but haven’t yet. I really hope it sticks. After smoking for 17 years, I really thought I’d never be able to quit.

So back to the ‘get over yourself’. I don’t think I’m obsessing over it, just had an additional thought. There’s a piece of emotional content there in the pain that has to do with not being smart, or right, or something like that. I’ve worked with my therapist a bit on the whole not being special (well, okay, only a little bit), but this piece got me thinking. Like, what is appropriate? Where is the happy healthy medium? I may see my behavior as just being really enthusiastic, joyful at being a grad student and succeeding for example.

But something comes across as egotistical (maybe? Still not sure it’s me; might be others’ issues). But clicking back to the modeling thing, that makes sense. Of course I don’t know what a behavior that’s got an appropriate amount of pride and confidence without being egotistical looks like. I’ve had no model. And to further extend it, if I’m trying to create one myself, then it’s going to be very fragile and easily slapped down by any negative comment. Except that any negative comment has always felt like a painful slap down.

So there’s something happening here that’s been happening a long time. Not sure what. Work with the therapist pointed to issues with Dad growing up. That may well be, but how do I ‘fix’ it so that I’m not feeling those pangs every time? Maybe I need to do the Buddhist thing and just accept that I’m sensitive, that these things will hurt, and recognize the only real problem there is my wishing it weren’t so. Yeah. Yeah, I’ll still try the therapy first.

Oh and on a totally random note, I’m thinking also about how I seem to have issues with authority figures. What a surprise.